Lately

Lovely architecture on Beacon Hill

Four years. Four years since I graduated college feeling completely unsure of my skills and my calling. Four years and not that much has changed.

A year ago August I left my steady, successful-yet-unfulfilling job to pursue a master's degree in Historic Preservation. Which means I get to study lovely buildings. I left my parents' house and my home in New York for a small apartment in Boston with my boyfriend and for the most part this change has been Good. Finally-moving-out Good. Change-of-scenery Good. Quitting-Long-Distance-and-Building-a-life-together Good.

Of course the trade-off of being a full-time student again is that I have no money, I've morphed into a Giant Ball of Stress, and I feel completely inadequate most of the time. You know the internet meme about Grad School and lists Good Grades, A Social Life, and Getting Enough Sleep before saying, "Pick one and expect to fail at it"? I can attest that this is entirely accurate. I'm a sheer joy to live with, I assure you. Grad School is nothing if not humbling.

On my very worst days I lament that ordering everyone's lunches probably wasn't that bad. Sometimes I watch "Selling New York" and get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach worrying that now I'll never be able to afford a lovely apartment in Manhattan. This was a pipe dream to begin with, but I used to dream about it at my old desk when my days were frustrating and saying goodbye to this fantasy forever hits me hard sometimes. I find this happens mostly when I'm crammed on the T during rush hour. But I'm pretty sure the T would make anyone miss a previous life where there was no T.

So I'm back again, trying to get back in touch with lovely, pretty things. Things that make me feel good and give me confidence and make me love life. Because it's very easy to get caught up in how inadequate I feel. It's way effing harder than I ever thought it would be. I have to believe, however, that grad school will pay off one day. Hopefully, after I graduate I'll never have to order lunch for anyone except myself. Actually, that's probably enough.